The Map

magic-realism-paintings-rob-gonsalves-13__880I have a life map, I write direction for my life. I wrote it when I was in the first year of high school. I wrote it on my notebook, so simple, just with the pen, not like the expert made. You can say “it’s bad” when you see it, yes you always can say that. Because I never care about what people said. For me, my dreams, my life map is just for me, so everyone who said that it’s bad have no business with it.

One day, I rewrite the map on my computer. Again, I didn’t use expert mode, just with the simple way. I write it on the Ms. Word, convert it to pdf then I print it out. I put it on the wall of my room in my boarding house, the place where I can see it every time I want to sleep. With the smile I always see that map, hope I can through it well. And I realize I put some new ways on the map when I rewrite it. What is that? “GET MARRIED” and “HAVE A KID.”

The first time I wrote that map on my notebook I didn’t put that 2 ways. It’s not because I forget it, no. I just thought about my dream, the way to reach my dream. And married is not one of the important way. But the day when I rewrite that map I thought that my parents will not happy when I decide not to married. For me, married is torture because I found that married woman rarely can reach their dream even they gave up the dream for the family, for their husband, their kids. So hard to believe why woman can’t have same chance to reach their dreams like the chance that man have. I negotiate with my own mind and I found alternative way where I can still reach my dream and have family. But it’s not easy, I should have husband that can tolerate my job to make it success or I think it would be great that my husband has same passion like me. A journalist, so he can understand what I want, maybe we can working together to cover the news (I don’t care about the company rules about marriage like you can’t marry the one who work in the same company with you, maybe I can be a freelance). After I marry him, I have a plan that my husband and I will cover some serious news in the conflict area, being war journalist. I hope that it’ll be work.

And about the kid, we will think about it after ‘war journalist’ plan. It mean that after have a kid maybe I can’t be war journalist anymore. I should stay with my child, why? I don’t want my child feel strange with me. And should I give up my job? I don’t think so, but for sure I can’t be war journalist again while being war journalist is my highest dream. It’s okay, maybe I can write some books or doing some research about war journalism.

Few years after rewrite that map, I feel alright and focus on the way. But one day, I realize that the one who I appreciate a lot never like my map, hate about my dream for stay in USA, working there, have a life there. Just focus on the married thing, like that thing is the most important thing in my life. Always says about the important of marriage, relationship, and why woman should put their family in front of their job/work/dream. Okay, it’s okay for me, but one day I hear about that words. “Don’t wait about the America, look at her. She married in her old age, late marriage.”

Oh my God, that word make me feel like you slap my face hard. I still remember that I put marriage and kid when I rewrite the map, not when the first time I write that. That ways is just addition, and not the important thing for me. Not the thing that I should always thinks for, have no connection with the way to reach my dream. Even, that way can fail me. I put that way for you, not for my own self. It’s okay for me to not get married, and it would be better for me to focus to reach my dream. That’s what I stand for, reach my dream, not to marry. That’s why I want to finish my study, that’s why I’m doing my study. If your focus is just to make me married, why you give me the hope? Why you make me go to college? If your focus is just to make me and ordinary woman who just stay home, don’t let me to study, don’t give me chance to see the hope, burn my map!

I know I’m not genius, I’m not the one who want to give focus to one more thing. And put the marriage and the kid on my map while I have a dream like that, war journalist? It’s hard for me. I believe everyone have their own life, their own believe, their own needs, their own dream, and their own happiness. And my happiness is my job, being professional war journalist, not being good mom, great housewife. Why you can’t understand me?

I’m tired to listen to that word everyday, that pressure killing me. I try to believe that it’s still my life, my own life. I need my own feet, my own map. Please just let me reach my dream, I also try to make your dream come true. I will try, but please stop that word, stop the pressure, don’t make me think to rewrite my map and back to the first one.

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nadhirulmaghfiroh

Hi, I'm me. Who am I? Read me. :P

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