Marriage_after_babies      I saw something that freaked me out this night. I found that on mosque, some toddler screams, run and run, laughing, mess thing up. Sometimes that make me happy, I love kids. But this night is different. I think about how their mom can’t pray on the first line. I saw that their mom cannot focus on their pray anymore. That’s why I have read that God forbit a mom to pray on mosque when they have little kids and bring their kids to mosque. Because God have thought that kids will mess thing up on mosque and bother other people concentrations.

After that I thought about the commitment. Having kids is a commitment. You should be strong person to have one. You should now that you haven’t your ‘private time’ anymore. Yeah, maybe you still have that ‘private time’ but not as long as when you don’t have them. And you should know that you must put them as the most important thing on your life. They are the new responsibilities. You should give them foods, know how to give them the right foods, their education, caring them, you should think about how to make them safe, what will you do when they got ill, how to make healthy friendship and environment for em, and so on, and so on.

Kid is so cute, I admit it. Months ago I had dream being pregnant, and kicked by the baby inside me, and I felt that like that is real, but I know that was a dream. I want have one, but sometimes I thought that I haven’t enough hand for that. I’m the one who think career first, great career is the most important thing in my life. And I think that when I have a kid, I should give up my dream? I don’t wanna do that. I want to be a war journalist, journalism researcher, middle east’s researcher, conflict researcher, professional writer, and someday I want to have my own library that full of journalism books and journalism researches. And I know there are still long way to reach everything I want. And when I have a kid? Can I still make all of my dream come true? I don’t think so.

Maybe I can do all of that things when I have kid. But I’m sure I can’t be the best mom that my kid have. And I don’t wanna do that. When I have kid, I’ll try to be the best mother he/she have, on the other side that means I can’t be the badass journalist/researcher/writer.

I love kids so much, and so many kids love me too. I remember when I was a volunteer for “Street Child Solidarity” I became one of favorit sisters for em. And last week my friend’s daughter want to go along with me and she went to my home alone with me without her mom or dad. I have a brother too, he is on 3rd grade of elementary school now, and he love me so much. He always call me when I’m not home, he always ask my mom when will I go home, and he sounds afraid when he ask me when will I go back to my school. I’m good with kids, I love kids, but I love my dreams more.

A kid and marriage is a close term. And do you know? You can say I have a bunch plan for wedding. Not the marriage, but the wedding. The white gown, the flowers (Calla), the card design, the shoes, the decoration, pre wedding’s scenario, honeymoons, and the years. Even the possibility of proposal scenarios, I thought about that too. Yeah you know, sometimes they call me writer. And imaginations? Is my bestfriend. But I realize all the time, that I’m not ready for the marriage, the consequences of marriage. I never think something just from one side, cover both side is the best. Yeah maybe I’ll have a ‘friend’ when I sleep, a ‘friend’ when I eat, a ‘friend’ when I’m on vacation, a ‘friend’ who will hug me when I cry, a ‘friend’ who will fight for me, a ‘friend’ who always care about me. But I think the other side of having that ‘friend’ too. I will have someone who put some ‘rules’ for me, I will have someone who said ‘please don’t do abcdefgh..’, I will have someone who said ‘I love you’ to make me forget my dream and just care about him and this whole marriage things, this whole family things.

Exclusively, I say that I don’t want have a men who controlled me on the whole things. I always freaks out when I think he will say, ‘No, you can’t go to Gaza, you can’t go to Syria, you can’t go to Afghan, you can’t go to all of the conflict areas. I don’t want you to be hurt.’ (me : You just hurt me when you said that); ‘No, you can’t go to that crime scene just for asks the police about what happened. Try to looking for more safe news.’ (me : So what place I should go for that kind of news? A supermarket? Safe news? There’s not ‘safe news’ in the world) ; ‘No, you can’t go to that place. It’s midnight, you should sleep.’ (me : Okay, I’ll cover that news for tomorrow when no one remember about that incident anymore); ‘Honey, you’re pregnant you should not working at all.’ (me : So what should I do? Waiting for you home? Get bored and stressed? Then don’t you think about miscarriage because the mom get stressed? ) ; ‘Honey, you can’t go to abroad again. I can’t raise our kid alone.’ (me : God, I just go for 6 months. I’ll call you and our kid from skype, we can still talk, and laugh. I’m not planning to die) ; ‘Honey, who is that guy? You seems too comfy with him.’ (me : Godness, he’s my bestfriend.).

I don’t blame anything to someone who will be the one titled ‘my husband.’ I don’t blame men to make the rules for their wife, I don’t blame God who make the rules for the men’s dominancy, I don’t blame the women who gave up their dreams for their marriage, I don’t blame anyone. But this is me, a little girl (who want to be called as women) struggle with her mind about marriage and kid. I’m just the one who always think that marriage will destroy my dreams. I’m not a multitalent person who can give their best focus to more than one thing. And I want to focus to everything that make me happy, what is that? Make my dreams real. That dreams I mean is my careers. But if God written some lines about husband and kid I wish that God give me a ‘friend’ who understand me, understand my perspective, understand my dreams, and know what’s the risks to have life with me. I’m not a cute, sweet, nice girl who will melt with some pickup lines, who will believe with all of things you said, sometimes they call me ‘pain in the ass’, sometimes I observe, sometimes I will not remember what you think important, I’m just yeah me. I borrow Meredith Grey’s words, “I’m Dark and Twisty.” I put careers on the top of my head, not you.


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